Posts Tagged: If You Want To Go To Grad School


2
Jul 06

If You Want To Go To Graduate School (Part 18)

In the last few posts, I have explored the week of September 11. Now, I’ll go back earlier in the year to discuss Professor Joseph K’s Madness in Literature seminar.

While Joe’s fiction workshop was small (approx. 11 people), his graduate literature seminar had close to twenty. While the workshop had MFA creative writing students and MFA hopefuls, the seminar had MFA students and MA English students. This would give me my first taste of the dichotomies that existed within the English graduate study programs at the University.

I have heard about the divide between the fiction and poetry, but it was only hearsay at this point. Poets were those people who could not string enough sentences together to tell a story, while writers lacked the lyrical talent necessary to compose a poem. At least that was what the two camps would tell themselves. Faculty of both disciplines fed into this rivalry. Lana Zhang, the celebrated poet published by a major literary press, definitely favored the poetry students. The poets, encouraged by her, banded together to protect their territory from the doggerel writing fiction writers. It often shocked the poets when a storywriter or novelist actually turned out excellent verse, better than anything they hoped to write. And the fiction writers, no doubt, resented the prejudice. Joe, while he denounced this attitude, perpetuated it in his Madness in Literature course.

Joe, of course, favored the MFA students. While I was not yet a graduate student, I fell under this category. Most of the MFA’s were on friendly terms with him. Some were readers for the journal; others were devoted followers. I can’t remember a single creative writing student in the class that disliked or distrusted him at the time, though that would change later. We were all appreciative of his unorthodox approach to literature, looking outside of the canon to find voices of the subversive and the marginalized. I suspect many were drawn to taking the class because they wouldn’t have a serious term paper to write. He had his students do a presentation on one of the books covered in class and a final presentation on one of the themes of Madness in Literature. Also, he required a journal to be kept on all of the reading, turned in during the final week of class.

Since Madness in Literature’s course number was one for literature, not creative writing, there were many MA’s enrolled in the class. Perhaps they did not realize what they were getting into. Some may have known Joe’s reputation, but decided to take the course anyway. And, a few others seemed to have an affinity with Joe.

I have always suspected that being in academia is some kind of game, and the most successful students may not necessarily be the brightest, but ones who know how to play they game. They know the language and how to use the clichés. Oh, the term is jargon. The MA students, no doubt, spoke fluent academese and were accustomed to praise from their professors. Many MFA’s, on the other hand, adopted a different kind of game plan. Many of them gravitated towards writing for the love of the craft, but praise may have been rare from the literature professors. They, for the most part, weren’t aspiring literary critics. The creative writing faculty may have provided some kind or refuge from critical and theoretical nature of literary study. And the MFA program had a language and game of its own.

The literature students were no match for Joe. They appeared to be staid and conservative in comparison to him. The creative writers perceived this and ganged themselves against the MA’s. Joe often favored the MFA’s, showing preference for their ideas in the seminar’s discourse. Joe, or at least his persona, openly eschewed canonical authors. When an MA student proposed doing his final presentation on Virginia Wolff’s madness, Joe dismissively said that was old school. Since I had seen Joe’s personal library, I knew he did not completely subscribe to that view. However, he saw the graduate lit students as orthodox, unremarkable, unreceptive, inflexible, not even worthy of the A’s or B’s he gave them. Then again, was an A or a B even really worth anything in any graduate course?

Many of the literature students were more grounded in the canon, especially the specializations they were drawn to. They were not accustomed to thinking of the avant-garde feeding into literature, unless they were post-modernists. Their ways of talking about literature did not fit in with how he discussed it. They were confronted with the bizarre, the outré, the experimental, the independently published, even stuff that was downright bad. Some of the outsider writers weren’t that good at all, but their ideas were worth discussing. It may have been one thing to be required to read badly written stories, but seeing a sexually explicit German film, Taxi Xum Klo, was definitely much for some. Some scenes left little to the imagination; pornographic, though strong, would be accurate. Like most of work Joe presented, there was supposed to be something beyond the obvious. Or was there?

Beyond Joe’s choice of material, we were treated to Joe’s work. One story of his may have been included in the reader he prepared for the class. During one of the times we met at his home, he did a dramatic reading where he played Charles Manson. His stories were often like two character plays without dialogue tags or description of the characters. His subjects were often sexually unconventional people or murderers, sometimes even both. At this point, he was writing a body of creative work about serial killers, so his work qualified as madness in literature. None of the MA’s cared that Joe was a minor league literary star, a power broker in the avant-garde literary community. I’m sure a certain percentage of the MFA’s also shared similar sentiments. However, the MFA’s in his class treated him like a god. Their reverence was certainly rewarded.

To be continued…


28
Jun 06

If You Want To Go To Graduate School (Part 17)

September 14, 2001
Adam Hyde was quick to complain to the Department Chair, Karen Muir, about Professor Joseph K. Around 9am, I met Joe in his study and he showed me the e-mail the chair forwarded to him. Adam wrote a long, rambling, and at times incoherent letter complaining about the injustices he suffered from Joe, especially being asked to leave. Among the issues he listed, Adam claimed that Joe was insensitive to his disability (weak writing hand) and that he felt alienated by Joe’s left wing political views. He mentioned Professor Beltran, but could not spell his name correctly. After we read the e-mail, Joe was on the phone with the department chair. I would have to meet with her to tell her my side of the story.

After an hour of hanging out at Joe’s house, I walked to the university and went up to the top floor of the Humanities Building to meet with the chair. Dr. Muir was a dry, dowager type who could have been a character in an Edith Wharton story. Her light yellow hair was cut in a pageboy and she wore large, round glasses. She often wore two tone cardigans (à la Chanel) and baggy trousers to match. After she let me into her office, I sat down to tell her my side of the story. I told her about the e-mails and the hostility. She listened, but she also told me Joe’s actions concerning Adam were unprofessional – he could not ask someone to leave his class. I would later learn more about this issue when I taught as a TA. She then asked me if I wanted Adam kicked out of the program.

While I may have not liked Adam, I did not feel I could advocate kicking him out of the program. While I may have suffered some duress, I don’t think it was enough to completely justify me saying to expel him. I thought of the possibility of someone wanting to kick me out of the school, especially if I felt the accusation was unfair. I would want the administration to hear my side of the story and to show charity in dealing with me. I don’t think anyone’s right to study should be based on if others like him or her. If someone wants to study and they’re qualified, then they should by all means pursue it. At the time, I really did not know if Adam had what it took to be in grad school. I only had Joe’s word for it that he wasn’t a good writer and got in through politicking. Dr. Muir, during our conversation, mentioned that Professor Beltran believed people could be cured of mental illness through writing. I wrote about an insane narrator trying to become sane; Adam was the real thing. I could have easily countered that he belonged in a mental hospital, but didn’t. However, I decided to treat Adam the way I wanted and told Dr. Muir my decision. I confirmed it later in an e-mail, and she replied that she thought that was wise.

A year later, things would go bad between Joe and me. He gave me the silent treatment and acted openly disdainful towards me. I’m sure he would have loved to kick me out of the program at that point. All I had to do was something extremely egregious, especially towards him, and I would have been out. I hadn’t envisioned this when I had the talk with Dr. Muir, but I was glad I did not ask for Adam to be expelled.

Later in the evening, I went out. Gillian invited me to a party at a bar near the community college in downtown, so I took Hartwig along with me. Before that, we went to a rooftop party, which was packed, of a 1920′s hotel in Uptown. Soon, a FedEx plane descended to land at the airport. It was one of the first planes seen in the city since Tuesday. Life was returning to some semblance of normality. While people were scarce on Wednesday, they were everywhere on Friday. Everyone was out to party harder than usual, but no one certainly forgot what happened. Hartwig and I watched the planes fly across the sky and then hopped to a few bars before meeting Gillian and her friends. They seemed to like Hartwig, who then entertained them with his stories about his roommate, a supposedly straight man who gave hints of desiring him. Like most life of the party people, Hartwig had a few stories he would use over and over. It just was not apparent to me yet.

Since I quit the job at the supermarket, I had let my hair grow out for 14 months. I would chop it off the next day.

To be continued…


23
Jun 06

If You Want To Go To Graduate School (Part 16)

September 13, 2001
Adam Hyde was a sixty-ish, bald, pudgy man who always had something sharply critical to say about anything. He definitely was not liked by a lot of students (and some faculty, such as Joe). He was angry about one thing or another, talked about values, and often espoused arch-conservative positions. As far as I knew, he was a loner and possibly schizophrenic or borderline. He definitely was not wealthy, which would have qualified him as eccentric.

But, he was off-center. He often directed his rage at certain professors. In one poetry class, he called the professor an Amazon. He reported the doings of Tatiyana to the English Department chair. In the fiction workshop we were both in, Joe was his favorite target. Adam felt that Joe’s political views, especially during the discussion following 9/11, was radically left-wing. He felt marginalized by it. He was also angered by a presentation that Andrew and I did for the class the first week. Andrew presented a clever idea of collaborating, while I showed my hybrid text and image work. Soon, I would become on object of Adam’s wrath.

We developed a correspondence – I created an e-mail list for the class and he e-mailed me. I sent a link to my personal website and he made some odd comments on one of my stories. Joe had us pair off and collaborate by e-mail on a fiction writing exercise. Adam was paired off with Dr. Jules. He could not get in touch with Dr. Jules because I made a mistake in transcribing his mail address. He meanly pointed out to me that it was my mistake. I got a few other pecking e-mails during the week, but then there was one too many. He was past being mildly rude, and then made a nasty remark saying, “Since you are so full of yourself, I feel I can say this…” My handling of the e-mail list and the work that was presented in class were both attacked in the e-mail.

I overreacted. I felt I was being stalked by Adam. I told Joe about it two hours before class time. He thought I was taking it too personally, but he drove me to his house and gave me a valium. It really did not ease my anxiety, but I come to class high and dizzy. Some of the stairwells in the building had buffers installed to soundproof them with the subway station construction. I spun around and kicked one of the buffers. I continued to dance as I walked through the hallway to the classroom. Gillian observed my behavior was a cross between my fictional diva and The Sound of Music. Though I was giddy, I was still angry at Adam for the offensive e-mails. I drew a picture of him with an axe through his head. I just hoped he would go away.

Joe led a discussion of 9/11 and everyone’s response. We all had our say. I think Adam may have said something very right wing. I don’t remember. When it was my turn, Joe said that I shared with him an interesting idea the day before. I told him I thought it was possible the government set this up or knew about it and let it happen (because it was beginning to play into their approval ratings). He then shot me down, saying that idea was easily attacked. There never was an explanation for that remark. Perhaps, I was too high to ask for one. However, I think this was another incident that would lead to the decline of our relationship, professionally and academically.

After the class was over, Joe confronted Adam about the stalking issue. Adam denied it, but it was what Joe needed to ask him to leave. After a brief discussion, Adam felt no choice, and I went to Joe’s house afterward. Morgan greeted me with a hug, saying she was sorry for me dealing with Adam. Andrew came along for the after-class visit, and Joe disclosed to us the story of how Adam got invovled in the program. Joe and Tatiyana did not want Adam in the program – Adam was a nightmare for Tatiyana to deal with in one of her workshops. Joe sided with Tatiyana in her recommendation. Joe said that Adam worked with Jonathan Beltran and this was one of the students Jonathan would want in the program. Joe accepted some of Jonathan’s sponsored students so Jonathan would accept his. Adam was definitely a political pawn in the admission game. Joe resassured Andrew and me that he, Tatiyana, and Jonathan were unanimous in accepting our applications. I only have Joe’s word for it, but it would be reasurring to know this later when I fell out with him.

Joe put me up for the night in Morgan’s room. I slept soundly with another dose of valium.


16
Jun 06

If You Want To Go To Graduate School (Part 15)

I’m not going to present this in a diary format. The date on this and yesterday’s post simply place it in context of September 11.

September 12, 2001
The next day, after the national freak-out, we were expected to return to life as normal although the nation’s borders were still closed. I never paid much attention to airplane noise in the sky – it was as quotidian as the compound engine hum of cars on the freeway. Sometimes I was annoyed when the planes would soar over where I was and drown out a conversation or a moment with noise, but I missed them when the sky was completely silent. Nothing flew that week, not even the Cessnas. My family’s home is near a small airport Cessnas launch from and there was always at least one per day that would fly over the house. The sun was bright, the sky was blue, and the summer heat was still around, perfect for going to the beach. The beach was the furthest thing from my mind.

I don’t remember going to Teaching Composition that day. It was normally held on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I don’t remember going to class. I do remember, while wandering around on campus, I met up with Joe without any plans to do so. Joe told me about his computer having some problems, so I went with him to his home. It was a basic issue with Word and I did what I could. I don’t think I was successful. Joe, nonetheless, was grateful, and he treated me to dinner at an Uptown Italian restaurant.

Once there, Joe, his girlfriend Morgan, and I all had the eggplant parmigiana. Joe and Morgan were vegetarians, but I was not. Every time I dined with Joe, I avoided ordering dishes with meat. I didn’t mind eating vegetarian. During the early part of my limbo year, I went on a vegetarian diet and lost some weight. I stopped after a while, eating meat on my own or whenever my mother made dinner, but I thought it would offend Joe to eat meat around him. However, this fed into Joe’s impression of me that I was a vegetarian and it would later shock him when I made it clear that I wasn’t. But that would happen a few months later.

Earlier, when I rode with Joe to his house, we talked about the events of the days before. I was seriously shocked that this stuff would happen, especially on American soil. I was also frightened that this could be what the Bush administration would need to define themselves. An ineffectual oil baron’s campaign successfully rigged the election so he could come President, but he seemed lazy and indifferent to the responsibilities of the Oval Office the first few months of office. Everything he said was idiotic, such as when the Santana High shootings occurred earlier in the year. Once the World Trade Center imploded from the impact, Bush would say the things that American needed to hear. And his approval ratings rapidly rose. I told Joe I couldn’t help thinking the government set this up. I wish I had never said this to him.

Joe said this incident really hasn’t shocked him, that he’s been writing about these issues for a long time. He had long had an interest in Terrorism as a subject for writing; he had even devoted one of his University Press Journal’s issues to the theme. The issue of low-tech insurrection was in the zeitgeist – he wrote a pieces earlier in the year about Anthrax and other simple mechanical weapons. The terrorists aboard the four airplanes only used box-cutters and little else.

After the meal, Joe, Morgan, and I rode through one of the empty streets of Uptown. On most Wednesday nights, many people would cross the streets to go to a bar or restaurant, but most people chose to stay home this evening. Joe commented that a time like this would be a good time to smoke a joint – especially with people being in a reflective mood. Joe then drove out to the suburbs to drop me off, but I didn’t smoke a joint at all. Instead, I accessed a nasty e-mail from one of my classmates.

To be continued…


15
Jun 06

If You Want To Go To Graduate School (Part 14)

I’m skipping ahead a bit to part of my first year in graduate school, which took place during the September 11th year.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001
I started my day and went to the University like any other day. I spent much time at the University and I went there to do some computer work for a workshop submission. I had a G3 tower at home, but the new G4′s were somewhat more powerful and there were laser printers at the faculty technology center. Since I worked for Joe, he wrote a letter to the center to give me access. I often abused my priveleges, and this morning was no exception.

I used the scanners and Photoshop to get my images at the right resolution, plunked them into a Microsoft Word file, and formatted the text around them. The G4′s RAM certainly could handle it. My beige G3 at home was a bit slower, and it would take me forever to do them. Plus, there were all the other people at my mother’s house to deal with – my brother, my mother, and sometimes her friends. There was also the temptation of the television – something I had to escape in order to get things done. Once I had the TV turned on, anything I hoped to get done was over.

Since I did not watch TV that morning or listened to the radio, I had no idea what had happened. I heard no mention of it on the bus on the way to the University. A television was set up on a table in the faculty technology center, but I paid no attention to it. Somehow, it didn’t strike me as strange that a TV was on in that room. After logging in, I sat down at a computer and began working. As I sought to get the right fit of an image on a page, I heard comments about a terrorist strike on the US and that these terrorists would not be coddled. I soon inferred that the strike occured in New York City. Even with the news broadcasting, everyone in the lab worked on their projects, even while they were listening. It was not until there was an announcement from Governor Gray Davis that everyone stopped. He announced that all California state institutions would be closed immediately.

The center’s administrator got everyone to leave at that moment. I took the elevator up to where the English Department was. I don’t know why I did this. Perhaps I hoped to see one of my new grad school friends to talk about what’s going on. I saw that some professors had not been notified and they were still carrying on, teaching their classes or sitting in their offices. I couldn’t find anyone, so I went to the campus bus station to go home,

There were many people waiting to take the bus. The buses arriving to or leaving campus were rarely full, but they were packed this day. I saw Malcom, the administrative assistant for the English Department, and chatted with him. I told him I knew this day would go down in infamy, like Pearl Harbor. I’m sure many other people were thinking the same thing. We waited for a crowded bus, boarded one, and left the campus.

My friend Liza Radley, whose birthday I would later learn was September 11, was aboard. She really hadn’t made an impression on me yet. What I remember of her was different from the Liza I would later come to know, the outgoing, intense, and gregarious girl with many friends. She was still new to the city and quiet. But we shared a bus trip together on that day, when the everyone in this city and even the rest of the nation was sudddenly confused.

Malcolm and Liza would get off in one of the first stops away from campus, while I took the bus to uptown. I just had to eat. I found a Greek diner on 5th Avenue and set my tote down. I ate a gyros plate while the restaurant’s TV relayed more details of the news. Now I had a better idea of what happened. The World Trade Center had imploded because two airplanes crashed into the towers. Another plane crashed into the Pentagon, and another crashed in a remote field in Pennsylvania, though the intended target was speculated to be the White House. The nation’s borders were closed off, and no plane would cross the sky, coming or going, for the next few days. I found it disquieting that “Attack on America” had a logo, whipped up in a few hours. After lunch, I went to a cafe and had some coffee, where I heard more of the same news. I then took the bus back to my suburban neighborhood.

My mother was home along with Yoko. Yoko’s family, her ex-husband and her daughter, were also visiting. I think we may have sat down for a late afternoon meal, but I don’t remember for sure. I do remember every channel on the TV was broadcasting updated news of the attacks on the World Trade Center. My mother had planned a birthday party for my niece that day, but cancelled it a few days before and rescheduled it. My niece shared a birhday with Liza Radley.

I could not not take the news for long all day, so I went into my room and logged onto the Internet. I alternated between working on my personal website, going on websites, and e-mailing friends to make sure they were okay and replying to e-mails asking about me.

When I was in the sixth grade, I saw a documentary about Nostradamus entitled The Man Who Saw Tomorrow. The great Orson Welles was definitely memorable as the narrator. It was not a ground breaking accomplishment such as his War of the Worlds broadcast or Citizen Kane, but his presence was appropriate. Most of the film covered Nostradamus’s prophecies during his lifetime and what he wrote about the future. Historical events were brought side by side with his prophecies, so it seemed plausible that he predicted the rise of Adolph Hitler, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and Ayatollah Khomeini’s revolution in Iran. Then the documentary discussed the near future. Here, dramatized footage of a man in a blue turban walked around a military computer command center of an unidentified Middle-Eastern nation and ordered a missile to be launched at New York City. It had yet to happen, but terrorists from Arab nations were beginning to gain prominence in the media.

I went on the Nostradamus newsgroup and the board was filled with posts about September 11. Many simply discussed what was going on, while others wondered if this was the prophecy come true.

Whether the prophecy was true or not wasn’t important. However, I knew my life wouldn’t be the same afterwards. No one’s life would be, though waving flags would prove to be a wonderful distraction for a while.


9
Jun 06

If You Want To Go To Graduate School (Part 13)

I’m at the cafe across the street from where I live, having something to drink and taking advantage of the WIFI. I’m also listening to a streaming broacast of Leonard Cohen being interviewed on Fresh Air for inspiration. It’s been two days since I’ve posted, giving the blog a breather, but now I don’t feel like writing. But, here I am, and I’m going to post.

At the close of Joe’s two classes, Madness in Literature and the fiction workshop, there was a need to party. Somehow, I got on the MFA’s e-mail list and I went to someone’s graduation party at their home by the beach. It was a mellow party, with wine and cheese and some other good food. After it ended, everyone went go across town to an uptown dive bar. I don’t remember much of the party except that it was the first time outside of Joe’s classes I got to carry myself as a pseudo grad student. At this point, I was accepted into the program, but I was not officially one. It would also be the first of many parties in my MFA career.

Joe threw a party for his girlfriend Morgan, who just completed her BA in English. Most of Joe’s parties hardly had any food, unless someone else brought it. This was definitely true here, as Morgan’s parents supplied most of the food. Joe, however, did provide wine. I was happy for Morgan and got to chat with her a bit. I met her relatives. I also met one of Joe’s colleagues, Professor D.H. Ogden, a short, coarse-looking man who parted his hair to one side and wore tweed. I remember talking to him briefly, but it was easy to get it in my mind what kind of teacher he was. I easily pegged him as a stuffy, literary conservative. I would find that this view was utterly wrong as I went through my graduate career. I think Ogden’s one of the most misunderstood professors in the English Department at the university. More on that later.

I attended the graduation ceremony for the English Department at the university. I had gone through the ceremony the year before, and though I had satisfied the requirements for the BA and I would officially graduate, I did not walk again. I sat in the audience and watched Tomas and some of the other MFA’s I know walk across the stage to get the fake diplomas. I got to hear the top MFA give her speech – it would be the last time I would hear it. The custom was done away with by the time I would graduate with my MFA.

In the evening after the graduation ceremony, I went to Tomas’s graduation party, held at his home. I met his wife, the elegant Columbian woman, and his teenage children. Tomas’s wife went through a great deal of trouble to prepare the food and it was wonderful. There was an Afro-Cuban band playing, with a small dance floor set up in the living room. At one point, I danced to the drumming, though I’m not the greatest dancer. Joe loves to be hip to this kind of stuff, but he didn’t dance. He shook my hand for going out there and doing it.

Dr. Jules and his wife were at Tomas’s party. At one point, he apologized to me about being hard on me in the workshop. I replied I thought he was being hostile, but apology accepted. Given that, I still did not trust him. An apology does not always restore confidence. He would later use the constant attack and apologize strategy with another writer I knew in the program, though she took it much better. However, she really didn’t put much stock in his apology.

The summer was beginning and I would not get a break from Joe at all. The journal needed attention, after all.

To be continued…


6
Jun 06

If You Want To Go To Grad School (Part 12)

This post picks up where Part 11 left, exploring the writing workshop with Joe, AKA Professor Joseph K. Dr. Jules had managed to break my confidence. I also felt lost as a writer.

A young writer faces many challenges. The main challenge (which the others fall under) is the issue of material. Many young writers have not had much life experience, yet they absolutely want to write. No doubt they burn with energy and desire to create something and say something, to show others how they see things. Some have incredibly fertile imaginations, while others don’t. Many writers fall between the two. As a result, there is much experimenting to find one’s voice. One story form is tried after another, narrators change persons, characters become gay (or something else to make them interesting), attempts at cleverness are tried, and writers attempt to write in literary language. And a young writer is often not grounded to withstand other influences.

In the workshop, these influences are praise and criticism. It’s easy for a writer to become sloppy with her writing if she gets praise and little else. She may keep going, making the same crucial error after crucial error, because no one points it out to her. Praise is definitely a confidence booster, but it can also cause an ego trip. Criticism is an often misunderstood word. Criticism can (and often) comes across as tearing someone down. It’s associated with maliciousness and there is often malice by people who employ criticism in this manner. Ideally, criticism for the writer should be constructive, to help them make their works better. A good critic has an idea of what the writer is trying to say and addresses it.

I often received praise from Joe in the beginning. He praised me for my scholarship, my comments in class, and for my creativity in during the first half of the limbo year. It definitely raised my confidence. I’ve never been a good literary scholar. I wasn’t bad; I often received B+’s in literature courses and sometimes I had those moments where I wrote or said something highly original in those classes. Perhaps I wasn’t skilled in the language of literary analysis, I didn’t read the texts hard enough, or a combination of both. There was one case in undergraduate school where we had an essay quiz on Othello. I read the act, but a classmate came in and hadn’t. I gave her a synopsis of the act and then we took our quizzes. I got a B and she got an A. It was through sheer imagination she got through the quiz, and it made me wonder if some “A” students in literature were better at talking their way through it. Given this, I had managed to impress Joe in his literature courses. I always knew I was higher in the creative side, but had little confidence. Often, my fellow students did not get what I was trying to do with the stuff I presented in workshops. Sometimes the teacher didn’t get it either. Joe seemed to grasp what I was about when I first presented a story to him. Or did Joe simply form an idea that he had about me?

So, when I presented the work that amended my portfolio, Joe had high praise for it. He even presented careful line edits. But this seemed to decline as the semester progressed. Joe never even sent me an in absentia response for the second story (reviewed by the class while he was away for a reading). When Gillian and I did an e-mail exchange using the personas of Edie Sedgwick and Valerie Solanis, he gave me a mixed response – I got Solanis’s obsessiveness but lacked the panache. His response to my third story was lukewarm. As I mentioned in the previous post, I did not take it well.

It was difficult to hear other writers get praised at this time, especially Harlan, Jill, and Dr. Jules. They weren’t great, but it seemed important to stroke these novices. Sometimes, this form of positive reinforcement can lead to disappointment. Joe praised the work of someone in a previous workshop and she sent it to the journal for consideration. I read the story, but I really didn’t like it. Since she knew Joe, I passed it on to him and he rejected it. I don’t know how she took it, but it certainly must have been a shock. Joe did give me helpful comments, but I don’t think I was really listening. Instead, I fought within myself about being jealous for cheap praise.

I mentioned in the previous post that Dr. Jules’s comments destroyed me. If a writer has little confidence, then it is possible to let the mean comments of others get to them. In one of his moments of wisdom, Joe told me that I shouldn’t worry about what others think of me. In Bonnie Friedman’s Writing Past Dark, she mentions a Chinese proverb that says if one worries about someone’s approval, then they are their prisoner. It’s easy to let the Dr. Jules of the world take us prisoner. Then there are people less malevolent than Dr. Jules, the peers of the workshop. If the story is written to meet their approval, then it ceases to be a story. It’s a stripped down version of the story. Regardless of how the criticism is delivered, a writer needs to be careful. A thick skin helps. But the ability to see if it is useful or useless criticism is more important.

It was hard for me to listen, to filter out what was helpful. It was also difficult for me to stay focused. I was busy commuting to an east county community college for a tutoring gig, doing whatever was needed with Professor K’s journal, and doing work for “Madness In Literature” seminar. There was no real time to develop studio habits. I was successful with a literary experiment, but how could I keep it up, once it demanded that I continue the story?

I think this is where the decline started. I don’t think I was being served as a writer. I was busy serving Joe. I knew Jackson was getting served and he was becoming friends with Joe. I felt I had to work to get Joe’s approval. Jackson didn’t. Or perhaps he was serving Joe by being in his orbit. I remember feeling resentful at one point, but swallowed it. Like any poision, the resentment would not go away. It was deep inside and it would only be a matter of time before I was aware of it again. But that was months away.

At the end of the semester, Tomas asked me to e-mail everyone to announce his graduation party. Holly sent me an interesting response. She joked that it seemed that Joe was farming out my services and that there should be a labor union set up for me. I chuckled, but a year later, I wished there was a union to mediate between Joe and me. And a year after that, I would help Stevie do the groundwork for a graduate student workers’ union at the University.

To be continued…


5
Jun 06

If You Want To Go To Grad School (Part 11)

The second semester of my “limbo” year” would define my relationship with Joe, AKA Professor K, and perhaps forshadow its decline. I had become so close to Joe so quickly. I had only barely known him for a year and I was housesitting for him. And then, my professional, academic, and writerly lives became tightly intertwined and were difficult to untangle from Joe.

The second semester of the limbo year was one where I took a fiction workshop and a graduate seminar entitled “Madness In Literature” from Joe. I also continued to work on a volunteer basis for his journal. I had keys to his office, so I had a place where I could hang my coat and leave the backpack behind when wandering the campus. It was also a quiet space where I could go to do some writing or read a book. I only had to do the things Joe asked me to do, and they never took too long.

I took the “Madness in Literature” course, scheduled on Tuesday evenings, mostly because of Joe’s subtle jealousy episode in December. I wanted to take Tatiyana’s workshop, which was also scheduled at the same time as Joe’s seminar, but Joe prevailed. Though I may lament the lost opportunity with Tatiyana, a few good things did come out of my enrollment in Joe’s class. However, I’ll get into that later.

But, I wanted to take a writing workshop, and Joe offered one on Thursday evenings. Joe had become acquainted with my writing from the Form and Theory class. Most of these were writing exercises, one of which evolved into a short story, which would later get published alongside Joe’s. Joe gave a space for me to break out of the mold that was set for writers. I never wanted to write in the “Iowa” style (which is prevalent in contemporary American “literary” fiction) and Joe’s interest in post-modern and outsider narratives seemed ideal. I was interested in making pictures and integrating them with writing. It was easy to see this inclination as post-modern. I would later see it as Romantic.

The workshop was a very small one. Tomas, Joe’s longtime assistant, was in his thesis semester and just taking the class to pass time. Holly, another longtime assistant of Joe’s, was also in her thesis semester. Holly was a Japanese-American who was quite focused on her writing. She had a slight speech impediment, but managed to make herself heard. Andrew, the quiet one, definitely spoke in this small group setting. Gillian, the hipster chick on her to middle-class motherhood, added some sass, wit, and humor to the class. She was definitely one of my allies in the class. Like me, she was not a graduate student, but developed a long-term writer relationship with Joe and also hoped to get into the program at one point. Harlan was a blond but bland southern California young man who was developing as a writer. His stylistic inconsistency would point to that. Jill, a graduate architecture student, took the class as an elective. She definitely seemed very suburban. Jackson, a famous runner in his prime, took to writing as a life change. He was an avid surfer and looked the part with his leathery skin and faded blond hair. Of course, Dr. Jules was in the class. Dr. Jules was a retired physician who started taking Joe’s classes on a lark. He then decided he wanted to be a writer and hoped to use his connection with Joe to get into the MFA program. He was a negative presence for sure.

During the first week of class, I wrote a sequel to my hybrid story. I remember writing it all in one day and submitting it for the second week of class. Like the previous one, this work was a series of pen drawings surrounded by crude calligraphy. There was a picture of a glove, the diva and her Elvis-like lover, and one where the diva would make Foxy Brown proud by kicking the offending psychiatrist’s ass. Joe and the class, with the exception of Dr. Jules, gave the story a good reception. Joe took it one step further. The English Department had my application packet for the MFA program, and Joe gave me permission to submit this recent work to amend my portfolio.

As the class progressed, I got to see everyone else’s writing styles. Gillian’s stories were ironic, humorous, and entertaining. Dangerous Liaisons comes to mind for some of them, translated in a more 21st century, urban context. Holly had the most literary style of anyone in the class. Tomas wrote stories based on his boyhood in Tijuana. Andrew had lots of energy and ideas, but hardly the depth and breadth to sustain them. His stories, though imaginative, were often unfinished, and his prose style was extremely slender. Everything Harlan brought to the workshop was an experiment. It was more the experimentation of someone who hasn’t developed his voice versus an artistic one. Jackson was interested in writing novels and was extremely verbose. His work, like an overgrown tree, needed heavy pruning. Jill became competent in the form of a story, though they were often boring. Dr. Jules was a marginally competent writer who dished out harsh criticism for most the class. However, he became a big fan of Gillian’s hipster intrigue stories. He was also very adversarial towards me.

With the two stories following the first story I submitted, I remembered Dr. Jules comments the most. With the second story, he e-mailed me a note explaining he could not show up to class along with a critique. It seemed thoughtful of him despite the harshness of the critique. However, he piously decided to come to class. I honestly hoped he wouldn’t come. Whatever constructive or helpful things were said before were cancelled out by Jules’s comments. Joe was not present for that session and I never received a critique from him. The third story I presented was written during one of my house sittings for Joe. It described the narrator’s trip to LA and his search for his diva while there. All the images were of things in LA, but the diva was absent. When Joe offered me a critique in his office before class, I got a bit defensive. I did not put up arguments with him, but I found it hard to listen to any critical comments he had to offer. He felt the work needed to go beyond its bathos or end. It’s a fair critique. Somehow, I took it as an attack and definitely felt attacked when Dr. Jules had offered his critique in class. He had e-mailed it to me as well.

I normally got a ride home after class from Tomas or Gillian. I took the bus home that night. During the ride, I read the printed e-mail over and over. One of my earlier creative writing teachers suggested putting the critiques aside and reading them a week later. It was like a Christmas present I couldn’t wait to open, I just had to read it even if the time wasn’t right. I obsessed over it; I even showed it to my brother. He didn’t think it was helpful at all and said it seemed like Dr. Jules was doing this to peck at me. The question was, why did I care about Dr. Jules’ opinion so much?

When talking with my friends about the workshops, Dr. Jules became this ridiculous old man whose unremarkable mind was incapable of understanding creativity. He was the archconservative voice in the class and would only praise things that were easy for him to comprehend. All of us on some level knew he was never going to be the target reader for a literary work. His thinking was too facile for that. However, he was loud and assertive. I should have recognized him for what he was – a bully. I subconsciously did – I had a lot of fantasies of my narrator’s diva beating him up real good. It wasn’t enough. I could hear his voice loud and clear in my head, even when I wasn’t reading his critiques. Dr. Jules became the personification of my doubts as a writer.

To be continued…


2
Jun 06

If You Want To Go To Grad School (Part 10)

In my last post, I introduced some of the people I met during the “limbo” year. There’s a few more. These people will definitely show up in future entries. All names have been fictionalized.

Dramatis Personae (Continued)
Natalie was only in the program for one year. She was strong and assertive and very charismatic. I could picture her doing these writing workshops on her own with the participants believing they could appropriate whatever talent she has. She was extremely disappointed with the University’s MFA program and decided to drop out after the term was over. When I told her I got accepted into the program, she cynically told me, “Good Luck.” I did not know how to take it. I would have plenty of time before her reaction made sense to me.

Andrew was a quiet one. He sat in the corner during the Form and Theory class and never said a thing. He was also very handsome, but stood with a slouch. He could be witty at times, but this hid the emotionally intense side of him. I would learn more about this during the following fall semester. He often wrote extremely brief stories with spare prose. Nothing would ever be longer than three pages, and I’ve often wondered how he would ever get a book done. Joe one time mentioned that Andrew rarely read and was surprised when he showed Andrew a book and he assumed it was a gift. Andrew was very geeky. He was very good at using computer technology (which made him useful to Joe), but he also knew as much about Star Trek as I did (and I know a lot). He could not get a girl to date him, despite his good looks. However, he had a steady girlfriend who was extremely dry and conservative.

Gillian wrote stories about hipsters, glitz, and glamour. I think that’s why we hit it off. She was a prolific blogger (before the term came out) and she almost posted every day on Live Journal. She was definitely an online diva with the readership to prove it. Unlike most online personalities, Gillian was outgoing, but subject to mood swings. She often was honest about what she felt in real life or on her blog. Like me, Gillian was attempting to transition from an undergraduate English career to a graduate writing career. She was also cultivating a writerly relationship with Joe and she even got her husband to meet him. She definitely kept me sane during the Joe’s spring semester writing workshop.

More posts to come. To be continued…


1
Jun 06

If You Want To Go To Grad School (Part 9)

In some of my previous hosts, I have discussed my relationship with Professor K. I’m not completely done with that. In writing about the “limbo” year, I must also write about the people I met.

Dramatis Personae
I met a variety of people in Joe’s classes during the limbo year. Some became my friends, others casual acquaintances, and some were potentially on the enemy list. Few of the people I met during that period I now count among my very good friends.

One of the first people I met was Tomas, my predecessor as the journal’s assistant editor, at Joe’s journal party. He was heavy set, middle-aged, and a bit gruff, but genuinely kind at the same time. Tomas spent many years driving buses and getting involved with various Latino art and poetry scenes. His marriage to a very elegant Columbian woman, a high school Spanish teacher, may have been his primary motivation for getting an MFA. Getting a BA had been an on and off thing for him, but he worked very steadily towards getting a masters, most likely to become more stable career-wise for his wife and children. He had reliably served as Joe’s right hand man for the past few years before I met Joe, but his time was coming to an end. Tomas needed to work on his thesis and became busy with family obligations. However, he did find time to take Joe’s classes.

Keenan and Elizabeth were friends of Tatiyana’s and became a part of my MFA career while they were in the program. Keenan was short and stocky, with hair that stood up rather than go down. Elizabeth had long, unstyled blond hair that hung down her back. Together, they were perceived as an artsy couple, but they were more than that. They were brilliant, and unlike many artsy people, they had discipline. I have never met people who so devoted to writing like them. Elizabeth was a partner with Tatiyana in a journal they founded together in the Pacific Northwest. For a while, they edited through correspondence, but now they were back together in San Diego for a while, they were able to work together. Keenan was the more scholarly of the two, but they both were incredibly well read. First, Joe threw us together in collaborative projects for Form and Theory, and then I got to know them during Henry O’Donough’s bar hours. Keenan and Elizabeth would become some of the most important readers of my work during my MFA career.

Julian Rosenthal was a seventy-something retired physician who audited Joe’s classes. Joe was fond of addressing him as Dr. Jules, and the moniker stuck. Everyone else in the class soon took to calling him that. Dr. Jules was critical of everything that Joe presented in the Form and Theory course, because Joe’s selections were extremely heterodox. The novels and short stories went against convention and reading them was never an easy ride at all. They were provocative, nonetheless, but they had little entertainment value for Dr. Jules. He often objected to the sexuality and the presence of cuss words in the works. He found them to be morally and artistically reprehensible and would not hesitate to say so at times. He could not get past the apparent sloppiness of the outsider artists, and it was funny when he referred to a work as disciplined (because of the technical skill). His criticism was not limited to the works we studied. When I housesat for Joe, I saw his journal among the stack collected at the end of the semester and looked through it. He was critical of Joe and his classmates, yours truly included. It was unnerving to see how he characterized me, but at least I came across as a person, whether I liked it or not. He simply characterized Stevie, a good friend of mine, as a homosexual. Dr. Jules was literal minded and was seen by all of us as a conservative voice in the class.

I had met Stevie two years before in an upper division Toni Morrison seminar. He was thin, blond, sweet, and unavoidably gay. We would only hang out during cigarette breaks, but not much beyond that. The following summer, I saw him at Gay Pride and chatted briefly. It was not until Joe’s Form and Theory class that I would get to know him. I got to know about his obsession with his namesake, Stevie Nicks. Sometimes, she was all he could talk about. It’s a common discussion threat up to this day. I would later learn about the others in his “diva pantheon” – Wonder Woman, Emma Peel, a Classics professor he knew at his undergrad alma mater, and one of the resident poets of the University’s program. An early conversation opportunity was when I was riding a bus to the University. Stevie dropped his car off to get repaired, and coincidentally he came aboard the same bus. We chatted, became better acquainted, and he later dropped me off at the grocery store where I worked. While I did not hang out with him much outside of class during the course of the semester, I would keep in touch with him after the class was over. We’re still very good friends today.

Lilia was a born-again Christian, but definitely not the garden variety Christian. While she was vocal about her faith and had theologically orthodox views, she was never glib. She often looked at Joe’s selections with her Christianity, but she was also open-minded enough to learn from them. Lilia had an earnest desire to create good and interesting art that expressed her beliefs. Apart from her religion, what informed her work were two things – she was Filipina-American and she was intimately acquainted with physical suffering. She often had a disorder that would redden her skin and then leave her pigment uneven. She was allergic to all kinds of food and found it safe to be on a vegan diet. I would later learn about some of her other issues through her writing. She was dating Erik, an alumnus of the MFA program, and they would soon get married. I became good friends with Erik through a professional relationship developed outside of the University.

“Dramatis Personae” to be continued…