It’s a verb tense that’s used all the time by native speakers of English. There’s a goal, an expectation, some kind of deadline to meet implied. Here is the basic construction:

Subject + will + have + past participle
Example: Tomorrow, I will have completed all my paperwork.

Subject + be (am/is/are) + going to + have + past participle
Example: I am going to be finished with my project tomorrow.

Several years ago, I lived with someone who lived in the future tense. This guy, whom I’ll call Hartwig, never quite did anything in the present tense to accomplish the things he dreamt that he would have done at some point in the future. Now, it is past unreal conditional, most likely something he rarely or never accomplished. At the time when he talked about becoming a singer-songwriter, he was talking about something in the future, something he hoped to accomplish.

In the simple past, Hartwig talked about how he could write songs and how he could really work in a hook. Sheryl Crow, the Carpenters, and few others inspired him in this craft and he was talented, dammit! His only problem was that people held him back: his evil stepmother, his older brother, and several of his other relatives who blend together into composite villains. He left all these people behind in St. Louis, driving out to the promised land of Southern California, and he still felt these people held him back. Instead of sitting down with a tape recorder and some musical instruments, Hartwig was content to bitch and moan about these people. He talked about how he will be a famous person and they’ll all be sorry and be sweeteningly ingratiating to him.

Not while he sat on his duff and did nothing, they wouldn’t.

Hartwig’s problem was that he didn’t want to be a singer-songwriter. He wanted to have been a singer-songwriter. He wanted to have been famous. He wanted to have been a star and receive the adoration he craved from the family members who clearly didn’t love him back. He didn’t want to go through the process of writing songs, finding that bulk of them may not be that good or work at all, and then find some that might. This would mean that he’d have to fine tune them, to get them to play just right. That would take actual work.

The time he spent looking at hanging out at bars, looking at porn on my computer, and moaning about the people who held him back could have been spent actually working on songs. He did go out to karaoke bars and sang, hoping people would tell him that he was great. He was often surprised that they didn’t. No one at any bar likes those “pro” types when it comes to karaoke. A year so so after I kicked him out, American Idol took off. I don’t know if he ever auditioned, but it’s his type of show. I would have tuned in if he had been one of the contestants, just for the chance to hear Simon tell Hartwig that he was awful. Hartwig, it’s not too late, especially if the prematurely gray Taylor Hicks got a record deal out of it.

When I was in my late teens, early 20′s, I outlined goals for myself, some of them too fantastic, and some just a little out of reach. Before I got into the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, I played out the future in my daydreams: After I get out of fashion school, I will become a famous artist and I will have done lots of fantastic work before I turned 30. And, in my mental future perfect universe, I will have lived in San Francisco and/or New York City before I turned 30. When my professional goals turned away from the arts, I had some other future perfect goals such as, After the French degree is finished, I will have become a literary translator. I entertained a lot of these goal possibilities in my mind, most of it never realized. I have to admit I still do, though I try to keep it to myself and from interfering with my present reality.

When I was in my late 20′s, my mindset turned to the past unreal conditional. I bemoaned that I hadn’t done or become all the things I had hoped to. I hadn’t yet finished the BA degree at the time and I felt that I should have earned that PhD. I should have left the supermarket and found a job better suited to my intellect and talents. If I had only finished that degree at FIDM and so on. It got to a point where I friend of mine had to do an impromptu intervention when I got caught up in my self-pitying when we were out for coffee. He sharply told me that he thought I was a big baby and that I didn’t stop to think that other people had some real problems. While I didn’t care for what he said, it made think long and hard about whining over what could have been.

I have to admit I am still addicted to thinking in terms of the future perfect. There are certain things I will like to have accomplished in X amount of time. I wish I can say that I have learned to to live in the present and to work towards future goals. Having things done in the past perfect would be nice. Instead, I must live in the present progressive, also known as present continuous. I am learning how to live in the present and to work towards my goals.

Then there are the words we all use to close letters. For close family, lovers, and spouses, “love” is appropriate. Fortunately, I don’t have to pretend to write to HR people, department chairs, managers, or anyone who holds my CV in their hands. Also, I’m not obligated to show such affection to when I complain to politicians or editors of magazines with objectionable or erroneous articles. Instead, I’m supposed to tell them I’m “Very Truly Yours” or that I’m “Sincerely Yours” or that I’m parting with “Warm Regards” or that my letter overall has been written very “Sincerely.” First, I’m not comfortable offering myself to a stranger as “Very Truly Yours.” I have trouble enough even seeing myself as “Very Truly Yours” with guys I have an intimate relationship with, so closing the letter with this phrase can make me feel very slutty. And, I’m definitely not “Sincerely Yours” and I often don’t feel sincere about a lot of business letters, especially the job queries.

As much as I can take issue with words like “Dear” and being “Very Truly Yours,” coming up with more modern, appropriate means of address is a challenge. For salutations, “hi” works in e-mails and scribbled notes, but doesn’t always sound professional to managers and others. I would prefer to open letters with Mr., Ms., or Mrs. ———, dispensing with “Dear” altogether. As formal as this term is, these people are not my dears. I may not be sincere or giving of myself to these parties, but I’m definitely awaiting response. Which is the whole point of writing the letter.

It has recently occurred to me that most people obsessed with grammar care less about saying something well than they do catching someone in a violation of the English language. They are superior little snots. Also, they are the type of people who would fastidiously avoid ending a sentence with a preposition. Their sentence are clunky because they have correct grammar, concision be damned. Then again, these are the people who obviously suck at math and take out their insecurities on others. Subscribing to a language dogma somehow makes them feel better about themselves as they are incapable of adding, subtracting, multiplying, dividing, and solving equations. That would take real mind work and knowledge.

One important thing to note is the grammar-obsessed rarely teach English or writing. They’re often not even linguists, who actually take classes on this type of stuff. They are often rank amateurs who often don’t know what they’re talking about. They may even have a dangling modifier in their sentence and might not even know it.

Self-appointed grammarians, leave this stuff to the professionals. Thanks.

General advice: DO NOT ENGAGE. They are the type of people to put up a fight, especially if they’re wrong, because, the burden of proof’s on you. It always is. Christian Lander has some further advice in his post about grammar.

One dynamic duo has constantly strolled in late to my freshman composition course. The Bobbsey Twins, as I like to call them, casually walk in as if I don’t have a lateness policy in my syllabus. This week, I filled out some financial aid progress reports where I made notes on their progress and haphazard attendance. I also gave them copies of the progress report and noted that their constant tardiness is a highly disruptive factor in my course. Instead of owning up to it, they blamed it on transportation problems.

One “Bobbsey brother” claimed he e-mailed me an essay I never received. I looked through my e-mails and I couldn’t find anything matching the e-mail he gave me. I’m inclined to think he’s full of what the French call merde.

Then, here is a sampling of e-mails I got this week from absentee students*:

Mr. Evans I’m not going to able to make it to class today. I have a
dentist appointment. Thank you!!!

How convenient. I hope it involved lots and lots of Novocaine.

Mr evans. Im not gona make it into class today im not feeling well. Ill call a classmate to get what i miss. Feel free to mark me present.

Yeah, right! I only mark you present if you are present. An absence is an absence is an absence.

hello mr evens i missed class tonight because i am with my family there house burnt down. so i wanted to make sure they had me around to help i will see you on thursday please dont drop me from your class thank you joe student

It’s spelled Evans! It’s one of the most common surnames in the English language. Actually, Evans is a Welsh name and not a difficult one at that. There is not the excess of L’s, LL’s, and W’s, nor is there the absence of vowels. Actually, Evans has two common vowels and none of those consonants I just mentioned. I can’t see where anyone gets “Evens” from Evans at all. Enough of my name rant.

I know we’ve had a stressful week with the fires and many people’s homes did burn down this week in Southern California. I only have this young man’s word for his family home being a casualty of the recent disaster. However, it can be convenient to blame it on the fires and it would be inhumane of me not to accept the excuse.

In all the e-mails I’ve shown, I love the spelling errors and lack of punctuation. It’s not the first time I’ve received notes from students riddled with writing problems. Somehow, I wonder if these students feel any bit self conscious about it. Perhaps I should cultivate that Miranda Priestly kind of snobbery when it comes to use of the English language and rebuke those who abuse words, spelling, and grammar with gentle brutality.

*names and e-mail addresses withheld.

There are days I’m tempted to skip out on classes. I never do, though. Unless I’m sick and contagious (or simply not feeling well), I show up to work whether I feel like it or not. I can get over the mood and do my job.

Then there are the bad classes. I have one of those from time to time, and then a student from hell. I had one of the latter yesterday morning. I’m not going to give details (sorry!), though I don’t think this one is a permanent problem. It was enough to throw the rest of my day off and I wanted to call in sick to the other campus. However, I didn’t do that.

I gave my critical thinking class their new syllabus. They seem like a cool group, but I have this argumentative chick (yes, I’m using this word instead of girl or young woman) who revels in her mediocrity and seems content to drag the rest of the class down with her. She’s also one of those types who tries to manipulate the professor, largely through being an aggressive loudmouth. Why do I have a feeling she’s in for a rude awakening when she gets her final grade?

I hit it off with another student in the class after I started talking about Star Trek and minorities being represented on that show. Interestingly, his first and last names are those of Star Trek characters (though I don’t think his parents intended that). I can’t reveal it here.

Then I had to go on with my “math teaching.” This is my special term for teaching grammar. I went over run-on sentences in my last two classes of the day and then went over writing assignments. In the English Skills class, I always refer my students to the English Writing Center to see a tutor. Since this is an ongoing thing, they keep pressuring me to give them extra credit for taking the time to have a tutor help them outside of class. I keep telling them this will favorably factor in their grade, but it doesn’t keep them from pushing for those extra points.

By the time I went home, I was completely exhausted. I caught the tail end of Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style and then went to sleep shortly after. Special elixirs (i.e. a couple of glasses of wine) always help.

I didn’t think this would be such a long-ass post. Here’s a funny, but cheesy skit I found on YouTube from some Aussie guy. Talk about taking self-love to an extreme.

Happy Friday!

The bookstore frakked up in listing the books as five, when there were only two required and one optional. It could be worse. They could have not had the books for my course in their inventory, and that would delay lessons indefinitely. The copier would become my best friend, but that’s time best spent elsewhere.

I’ve used College Writing Skills in the past (in a previous edition), so I know more or less what I’m going to teach with that book. It has what my class needs to know for an essay (which I’ll keep revisiting until they’ll get sick of it), grammar, and some readings.

I’m looking forward to using Nickeled and Dimed. After giving my students a brief synopsis of the book, I know some of them feel they could write their own version of Ehrenreich’s accounts, more accurately for sure. I look forward to hearing their takes on it and seeing what they write in response.

In my late afternoon class, when I was going over attitudes towards writing and what writing is, one student asked me about if they have to learn etiquette in English class. I have to admit I was thrown off by this. Would I have to walk my students a few blocks over to the University Club, show them how I eat holding a fork with my left hand and a knife with my right, and then arrange the silverware in the four o’clock position to let the waiter know I was finished? Or, should I teach them how to write Dear Sir or Dear Madame? Honestly, I was confounded, and I hate being confounded in front of a group of people.

So, within seconds (which seemed like an eternity), I responded that while etiquette is part of how we use language, we were not learning it in this course. I then shifted the subject to the issue of tone in righting. The odd question provided a nice segue for this, even though I didn’t plan to discuss it in this session. However, it was nice to see the students understood tone in writing and many of them even came up with various examples from life.

My student’s question brings up an interesting point. Perhaps etiquette should be taught in college. I’m not talking about which spoon to use (one scene in the Titanic provides that lesson in a throwaway moment), but students could use a lesson in civility. The Mindy Shatners of the world certainly could. These are the petty, spoiled, too smart for their own good brats who deserve a good kick in the pants, but my own decency prevents me from taking that action. And, of course, they’re always academic hacks and slummers.

While it may be tempting to knock some manners into Mindy’s noggin, she just has to learn not everyone is impressed with the likes of her.

If I could use an odd question from a student as a teaching moment, I can certainly transform the martini-inspiring moments of Mindy Shatner, her little sister, and her in-bred cousins.

Most of my students did well. I had those few students who wrote well at the freshman level and who intelligently chimed in to the class discussions. It was nice to see one student in particular get excited about the material covered in class.

However, I am concerned about a few, especially their future as college students. All one student did was go to sleep in the back of the classroom. I don’t think he ever participated in class or showed any embarrassment when I had to wake him up in an attempt to involve him in the class discussion. Interestingly enough, he was worried about his grade towards the end. I have yet to receive a term paper from another student, despite her promise to send it to me ASAP.

I have until next Thursday to turn in grades, most of which I already have done.

I learned a few lessons this summer, much of it reinforcement from previous lessons:

1. Never get behind. Grade those papers the day I get them. In fact, I should grade them after class or when I get home from work that day. Also, be on point with the lessons and not play catch up on lesson plans.
2. Don’t accept late work. I am not doing this to be a meanie, but it is a nightmare to backtrack, try to look at an assignment when the class and I have moved on to something else.
3. Take care of myself. If I manage my time right, I get my work done, get some exercise, take care of what life asks of me, and get the rest I need in order to function for all of the above.
4. Remember that it’s only a job. I should do it well (most excellently), but no job is worth taking over my life.

Next week, I go back to the language school for a couple of weeks. I am substituting for an instructor’s advanced level course and I got to meet the students this morning. They seem like a nice bunch of students, but the instructor told me it’s difficult to get them to do homework. Each group is different. They are mine next Monday.

I also got to see some familiar faces, such as Julius (Joo Seung AKA Ju Ju) and a few others. Perhaps once again, there’ll be a picture of me diagramming sentences.

Here are my students, left to right: Miwa (Japan), Jonas (Switzerland), Arthur (France), Christof (Switzerland), Lou (Japan), Fabianna (Italy), and Julius (South Korea).

Julius took this picture of me with the class and photographed me diagramming sentences a few posts ago.

I wrote my message to the class here. I’ll miss them for sure. I’ve had two groups since I’ve been teaching at the school this month, and this one was a lot of fun. As you can see in the upper right corner of this photo and the first one, I drew flags for the countries each student came from. I drew two for myself: American to represent my citizenship and Japanese for my heritage.

Until next time. I’m sure I’ll see them in passing the next time I’m at the language school and I’ll say hello.

If I understand my students correctly, they derived Ju Ju from me stuttering Julius. When Joo Sung asked me to call him Julius, I stuttered it. I was already introduced to him as Joo Sung, so Julius was initially awkward.

However, my students found this amusing, especially Christof, the designated class clown. He has been the most insistent in calling Julius “Ju Ju.” To Julius’s credit, he coined in response “Chris Stop!” as a moniker for Christof.

Next week, I will be teaching a morning class at a community college at an unnaturally early hour, so I won’t get to teach these students. I will work at the language school when I’m available and as needed. However, I will miss this group of students.