An image that has been with me ever since I got fired from the mailroom job is that of a Starfleet captain telling the helmsman, “Set a course for Earth.” Of course, I have seen way too many Star Trek episodes in my life, but this generic scenario meant to me returning to self and coming up with a plan for the future, which is what I have been doing for the past few months.
Ever since I’ve started teaching, I’ve struggled with if I wanted to do this as a career. I’ve been a life-long college student who continued the addiction to higher education by going to graduate school. Since I enjoyed being a student, especially when it came to creative writing courses and literature, I figured I would be a natural at teaching. My classroom participation and my enthusiasm told me I would be good at it. In the middle of my graduate career, I taught an introduction to creative writing class, which turned out to be more challenging than I thought. Being in front of people and addressing them as a group took up a great deal of emotional energy. Homework, especially theirs, could easily pile up. Classroom control was difficult, some students didn’t respect me at all and one young woman was downright contemptuous. I was distracted from my graduate studies and I entertained doubts towards the end. However, I continued on, as I worked as a TA for a literature professor and did an internship at a community college the following semester.
I got better at being in front of students and maintaining classroom control. In any phase of my teaching, I managed to reach some students. Dealing with the work, such as grading papers, was still a bit of a struggle, but I would manage to get it done. However, there was one thing. When I was in the MFA program, the English department graduate advisor pointed out to me that while I had knowledge and was highly capable, I lacked confidence. She was right, but this issue affected me in other areas of my life: the unrealized stories that remained only in my head, unfinished stories, being afraid of essays, fearing rejection from prospective publishers, choosing my undergraduate alma mater for a graduate program, the guys I would look at and pass up, and the job interviews that never seemed to go anywhere.
I wondered where I could get confidence. Did it come in a bottle and I’d have to drink it? Some people seem to have it in natural abundance, while someone like me has to work at it. With writing, I’ve only gained confidence by doing it. I never thought I’d write essays on my own, but my writing on this blog has evolved. My next step is to write non-fiction pieces for publication. As a teacher, my confidence has only come by doing the work. The approach is also helpful. If I strive to become good at what I do, that goal is attainable.
A lot of my focus recently has been on getting teaching jobs in the fall. I have been in communication with English department chairs in several community colleges in San Diego County. I’ve e-mailed them, called them, and visited them with the goal of getting hired and having a decent workload between the schools. Since I haven’t taught for almost a year, I’ve had the chance to think about my attitude towards teaching. When I graduated with my MFA, it was simply a job, perhaps a hindrance to what I really wanted to do — write. I now plan to approach teaching with the idea that I can grow. I will do my best, but I can always improve. As a friend of mine likes to say, I will put every molecule of my being into it.
If I had put my all into the mailroom job, I would still be employed at the labor union. My lack of confidence may have done me in as a first time manager. I had no respect from my subordinate and I couldn’t approach my boss or the accountant for what I needed to do my job. This did cause some problems, and I’ve had to learn from them. The main lesson is to be “pro-active.” I’m not crazy about this term, so I’ll simply say active. I’ve learned how to be more active in how I approach my life. Not everyone likes this approach, but I know I have to at least try. One professor I approached sent a “don’t call me, I’ll call you” e-mail when I queried about teaching part-time. However, I had to try.
As someone with some semblance of an education, I must try. My thesis chair counseled me to consider anything else but teaching, such as being a gardener or a baker. These things I would do as a stopgap, but I don’t expect to gain any confidence if I pursued either of those jobs indefinitely. My self-esteem would lower and perhaps my height would shrink as a result. I worked for 13 years in a grocery store bakery and I hated it. I would have hated working in any department, and the workplace atmosphere was often very cynical. The dues paying process was something I’ve had a hard time with, and that’s what landed me in the grocery store in the first place. When I was a student at a fashion school, studying at an overpriced institution and working at clothing retail for pennies was something I couldn’t handle. I stopped being a shop boy, eventually dropped out of the school, and wound up working at the grocery store for a long time. If I tried, finished what I had started, I would have that degree and the experience to market to the fashion industry. I then went for a baccalaureate degree and then graduate school. I finished those, but good teaching jobs just don’t get handed to students fresh out of a master’s program. I had a good year and a half of teaching before I backed down and took the mailroom job, but I’m looking at this as a second chance to pursue this trade, to pay my dues, and to finish something that I’ve started. I should then have the experience and references to seek full time teaching.
Writing is still my passion and what I want to do. Like teaching, I must put every molecule of my being into it. By engaging in the craft, I am being true to myself and doing something that enhances the teaching. The more I do it, the more knowledge about the subject I have to impart. I’ve set the course to Earth at maximum warp, but it may take a while to get there.
